turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
cause all of our moves
make up for the silence
the lies |the fake |
the phonies |
please attend my funeral.
Friday, November 24, 2006
When you die, the muscles that hold your body contents in relax, allowing shit, urine, stomach contents to run out all over the shop. You don't wanna look like that when they find u.
Anyways, after careful consideration and thought, I present my short guide to looking your best in death. Take heed!
1. Clean underwear. ALWAYS!! Your mum always told you this - "What if you got hit by a bus?" Mind you, if you see a bus travelling at speed aimed at you, you will probably shit yourself anyway, BUT, always go clean underwear. Not the old crappy 'Y' fronts, but boxer shorts or the better brands of jocks or panties.
2. Under NO circumstances should you wear a 'wifebeater', singlet or other such undergarment. No exceptions!
3. Sleepwear. Once again, clean and presentable PJ's or whatever. It's easier if you sleep naked for the medics, but if you have to wear something, make sure it's clean and presentable.
4. Before bed. Ensure that your bowels and bladder are empty before sleep. Reason why? Simple. AS mentioned previously, you will shit yourself if you don't, and you don't want anyone thinking "fuck me, where's the gerbil?" For good measure, an evening enema might be in order. Feel free to ignore hint 4 if you're tubgirl. If this is the case, perhaps try sleeping with extra pillows under the lower back for better effect. Along with faeces, don't forget semen. If you're of the female variety, and have a load still on board, squeeze it out for god's sake! Even better, get it felched. Hey! Gotta try it once before you die! Guys - after your evening wank, don't forget to squeeze the excess jizz from the trouser snake. As with urine, it'll eventually run out, and you will forever be known as the guy who died masturbating. Or something. Maybe.
5. Make sure that your pillow is crease-free before bed. After you cark it in the face plant position, any folded bits on your pillow slip will leave a crease in your face bigger and deeper than a 50 year old hooker (like throwing a sausage into a cave)
6. Fake tan. Unless you have an awesome tan already, it might be worth your while to consider the fact that your complexion really is shit, and will look even more garish once you pass on. Plenty of options exist for you, from a proper tanning salon, to rub on tan in a bottle. While the latter will make you look orange and omper loomper-like, it's better than death grey, which is less then appealing.
7. Always, ALWAYS, consider positioning. Be aware of your surroundings. If you think you could suddenly die and no one might find you for a few hours, make sure that you have a smile that says "oh yeah, I'm happy" or "that wasn't a half bad blow job". Rigor mortis is a bitch, and you don't want to look like you died wondering if you left the stove on. Hint 7 is especially applicable if you suddenly die of a heart attack or similar condition. Sure it's hurts like a bastard, but dieing with a pained expression clutching your chest just doesn't cut the mustard. Suck it in people - toughen up princess! Die with dignity! Go the grin that says "Aaayyy" like the Fonze. In fact, die with two thumbs up. Better than being found in the foetal position. While this is not an exhaustive list, it's a good starting point to help you look your best in death. Remember - plan ahead, clean underwear, empty bowels. You can't go wrong.
