Still thinking

2008-03-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

Because it feels so goooooooooood :D

2008-03-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been having nightmares ...each night, each time I fall asleep I get horrible vivid images and when I wake up I can't be more thankful.

Lately I've been running away... with each situation, when its about to get harder...or without any hardships, if it feels uncomfortable, I flee.
Maybe thats why I'm getting nightmares.

2008-03-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

2008-01-10T08:41:00.000-08:00

It could've been easier if I just let my mind rest for good....I can't.
Those thoughts keeps coming and rotating and persisting.
Unbearable urges.
Totally demanding & won't leave me alone.

2007-12-31T23:32:00.000-08:00

I could write you a letter...but what would it say?

2007-12-28T06:36:00.000-08:00

I just want a hug.

2007-12-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

not painful enough
not expressive enough
just NOT enough

2007-12-15T06:43:00.000-08:00

I don't remember reading an arabic book and actually like it.

"verigo" is an exception though.
I thank the author for being so brilliant :)

2007-12-03T13:01:00.000-08:00

you keep proving how a big asshole you are.

I'm telling you this for final: you're out.
YOU ARE OUT. OUT OUT OUT
sooo out for good.

I should follow my gut instincts more...second chances..you blew them. third ones, same too..big time.

its so fucking over...Jerk.

2007-11-13T06:55:00.000-08:00

2007-11-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

you can remove the stain but the stench will always linger.

2007-10-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yes I did...and it was way better than yours.

2007-10-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

Yes I'm dumb
Yes I let little things annoy me
Yes I'm vulnerable
Yes I get so angry that I dream of murdering you every night
Yes I'm self destructive
Yes I don't give a shit of what you think of me
Yes I can be cold hearted
Yes I live behind so many walls
Yes I hide and cry
Yes I don't wish to change.

SHIT

2007-10-27T04:32:00.000-07:00

SHIT

Syruz

2007-10-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

I never underestimate any type of writing esp. of the people I know in real life...a friend of mine has either deleted his blog or changed its url and I'm terribly sad over this because that was my only way to get to know him better.
He knew I read his blog....maybe he needed it for venting and wanted some privacy.

I respect his decision but can't help being sad as well.

those were the days

2007-10-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5pkkAhETYg

those were the days!!!

2007-10-17T23:34:00.000-07:00

I totally need a different kind of rest... a rest in which I can lose track of time, where the past is gone and the future never comes. A pause, maybe thats what you'd call it.

2007-10-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

I try so hard to freeze some memories...sometimes they wander away, but I know they did happen because sometimes I find myself smiling, not knowing why!

2007-10-12T01:53:00.000-07:00

I can create enough distractions for myself, that doesn't mean I'm still waiting.
& it certainly doesn't mean I've forgotten.
My face portrays no emotion, but my heart is raging with jealousy and empty hopes.

If I could turn back time I'd do the exact same stuff again, I'd not want to change anything..well, except for how you feel towards me.

just one simple need.

2007-10-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

We don't want sincerity, nor do we want to be lied to.
All we need is to find out that our ideas about others, thoughts of how we'd like to be perceived, and imaginations of what's more likely to happen are true.
Till that happens, the world will remain emotionally unjust.

Sick of this by-the-book life

2007-10-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

2007-10-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Quick as a flash, smile because the camera is on you, it shines you on, like a liquid metaphor, perhaps I should get something to ease a pain that's distant like an echo but sharp as a knife. I need a vacation, from mom, from everything and from myself.The thing I hate most is when I try to make a point and the listener either starts making wise cracks or just closes the subject.Thats how I got used to silence I guess.

Maybe I really want to get understood more than I need to be loved.Everything is nothing till its gone...then suddenly it becomes something...probably change succeeds merely in making things worse..I resisted it.... but it happened anyway.You know the saying "it may never happen"? well its a lie, it'll happen and knowing my luck it happens more often than it should...and next thing you know is that you lose the innocence which says "it happens to other people"

I can not always prevent that glass from breaking or hold the (STOP!) sign for the heavy, thick and succeeding sighs lest they should suck all air of common breathing....can you??

I'd rather u tell me u wanna fix my make-up rather than fix what's going on..I don't wear make-up anyway.

Drifting in a sea of depressive moods swaddled by conclusions, indicated rather than established, & ideas smothered at birth , days get a great deal of scars and scratches & my mind wonders: "is this life or something else?"

I wish I could say I heal like Wolverine.

2007-10-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

I just happen to feel good today :)

2007-09-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

I think nothing makes you get to know anyone better more than the way the person expresses oneself be it through writing or photography...etc
sometimes thats why its a huge burden to read stuff written by people you know in real life, because it'll load you with lots of information.
the Q. always remains: would you prefer to be in the know or is ignorance a bliss to you?

its not getting any easier.

2007-09-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

I hate the way I've become, pretentious and fake.. I partly put the blame on my family for turning me this way while they're unaware.
I can't be honest with them about anything whatsoever.

I hate the thoughts that roam in my head, mostly depressing and generally mean. the people who think they know me say I can't hurt a fly, they say I'm kind, naive and not capable of being dangerous. thats not true.

I hate the people who keep calling me. I don't return their calls and it doesn't stop them from calling again and again and again.
I hate hating them because they don't deserve that treatment.

I hate being told what to do and what not to do, how to do it and when to do it. I hate being patronized more than I hate being underestimated.

2007-02-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

2007-02-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

things to do before i die:

- throw a dart on a map and travel where it shows.
- get arrested.
- watch a volcano erupt live.
- publish a book.
- create a new cocktail drink.
- eat shark.
- run a marathon.

2006-12-10T11:56:00.000-08:00

She doesn't know coz i didn't tell her...she needn't know...
maybe i'm being dishonest but its all for the greater good.

Look your best in death.

2006-11-24T02:50:00.000-08:00

When you die, the muscles that hold your body contents in relax, allowing shit, urine, stomach contents to run out all over the shop.
You don't wanna look like that when they find u.

Anyways, after careful consideration and thought, I present my short guide to looking your best in death. Take heed!

1. Clean underwear. ALWAYS!! Your mum always told you this - "What if you got hit by a bus?" Mind you, if you see a bus travelling at speed aimed at you, you will probably shit yourself anyway, BUT, always go clean underwear. Not the old crappy 'Y' fronts, but boxer shorts or the better brands of jocks or panties.

2. Under NO circumstances should you wear a 'wifebeater', singlet or other such undergarment. No exceptions!

3. Sleepwear. Once again, clean and presentable PJ's or whatever. It's easier if you sleep naked for the medics, but if you have to wear something, make sure it's clean and presentable.

4. Before bed. Ensure that your bowels and bladder are empty before sleep. Reason why? Simple. AS mentioned previously, you will shit yourself if you don't, and you don't want anyone thinking "fuck me, where's the gerbil?" For good measure, an evening enema might be in order. Feel free to ignore hint 4 if you're tubgirl. If this is the case, perhaps try sleeping with extra pillows under the lower back for better effect. Along with faeces, don't forget semen. If you're of the female variety, and have a load still on board, squeeze it out for god's sake! Even better, get it felched. Hey! Gotta try it once before you die! Guys - after your evening wank, don't forget to squeeze the excess jizz from the trouser snake. As with urine, it'll eventually run out, and you will forever be known as the guy who died masturbating. Or something. Maybe.

5. Make sure that your pillow is crease-free before bed. After you cark it in the face plant position, any folded bits on your pillow slip will leave a crease in your face bigger and deeper than a 50 year old hooker (like throwing a sausage into a cave)

6. Fake tan. Unless you have an awesome tan already, it might be worth your while to consider the fact that your complexion really is shit, and will look even more garish once you pass on. Plenty of options exist for you, from a proper tanning salon, to rub on tan in a bottle. While the latter will make you look orange and omper loomper-like, it's better than death grey, which is less then appealing.

7. Always, ALWAYS, consider positioning. Be aware of your surroundings. If you think you could suddenly die and no one might find you for a few hours, make sure that you have a smile that says "oh yeah, I'm happy" or "that wasn't a half bad blow job". Rigor mortis is a bitch, and you don't want to look like you died wondering if you left the stove on.
Hint 7 is especially applicable if you suddenly die of a heart attack or similar condition. Sure it's hurts like a bastard, but dieing with a pained expression clutching your chest just doesn't cut the mustard. Suck it in people - toughen up princess! Die with dignity! Go the grin that says "Aaayyy" like the Fonze. In fact, die with two thumbs up. Better than being found in the foetal position. While this is not an exhaustive list, it's a good starting point to help you look your best in death.
Remember - plan ahead, clean underwear, empty bowels. You can't go wrong.

By Misanthropic

2006-10-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds
And when the weeds begin to grow
It's like a garden full of snow
And when the snow begins to fall
It's like a bird upon the wall
And when the bird away does fly
It's like an eagle in the sky
And when the sky begins to roar
It's like a lion at the door
And when the door begins to crack
It's like a stick across your back
And when your back begins to smart
It's like a penknife in your heart
And when your heart begins to bleed
You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

I hate you this much.

2006-09-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

2006-08-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

Good ways to kill yourself

1 Sleep With Your Best Mates Girlfriend/Boyfriend and get caught
2 Put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger
3 Slit your rists
4 Drink too many house cleaning agents
5 Jump off a building
6 Death by slipping on dog poo near a cliff
7 One pissed off grizzly bear attacks you in the streets while your fightin it for food in a garbage can
8 Fight a Hobo for its cardbord box
9 set fire to your eyeballs
10 skydive into an exploding volcano
11 cement yourself into the middle of a highway

Lousy ways to kill yourself

1) try soaking your head in a bucket of ammonia. in 5 minutes, if you are still alive, repeat as necessary till dead
2) cut your balls off (if you have them)
3) cut your head off with a razor blade and go into extreme ecstacy
4) drink a gallon of JD with a dab of Nitrogrycerin and jump up and down vigirously
5) fart in a balloon and light a match
6) eat the stuff between your toes with a teaspoon of pepper and a drop of vinegar
7) fart in front of the meanest, fattest, teacher while bending over to pick up the pencil that you mistakenly (yeah, right!) dropped
8) eat shit and die.....
9) try inhaling a fart right out of your own asshole....
10) fuck Ronald Reagan-
11) or his wife.....
12) try to do the running long jump over the Hudson river
13) or maybe try skydiving underwater......
14) try to katch the first nuclear missle headed towards the U.S.A.
15) sit on a pitchfork
16) cement yourself into the Great Wall of China
17) attach yourself to the Good Year Blimp
18) buy a $400 piece of software and then find it up on the AE the next day
19) plug your ass with a cork and stand at the edge of a cliff and fart
20) slide down a banister with a long, fat spike at the end
21) slide down a razor blade
22) fuck a slut that has a pair of scisssors up her cunt
23) take a bath with 1 (or 2) fingers in an electrical socket
24) sit on an Exacto knife and spin!
25) cross a highway blindfolded
26) inspect the Space Shuttle's engines during takeoff
27) do whatever your parents say...
28) roll down the Empire State Building's stairway in a sleeping bag
29) sleep late on a Saturday....
30) not seeing that bullet heading straight between your eyes
31) "Hey look! What's that knife in my stomach?"
32) "No, no please don't! Please don't push me off this ----", smack! splash! gargle... thump.
33) eat that cake that's been sitting in the fridge for 2 months
34) "Hey Jack, eat that colony of green stuff moving across your plate!"
35) Stick a straw in a septic tank and take a sip.
36) try skiing over a tree (or around it, or under it, or into it)
37) try katching a spiked boomerang...
38) try picking your brain via your nose...
39) squeeze yourself into a microwave (and don't forget to turn it on [duh!])
40) listen to E.F. Hutton
41) leap off a 20 story building onto a sharpened steel sewage grating
42) sleep at the bottom of an elevator shaft
43) stick your hand ,or foot if desired, in a food processor
44) get your ear caught in the spokes of your bike while riding down a hill
45) stick your hand in a paper shredder
46) have your car compacted at a junkyard, and give the guy a buck to let you sleep in it
47) sit on a scorpion
48) get your head caught in a beehive
49) sleep in your washing machine (or dryer for extra fluffyness)
50) loose the only key to your father's brand new Rolls Royce
51) sleigh ride off your roof
52) straddle a 'No Parking' sign
53) drink a gallon of gasoline and have some tabasco sauce
54) fall asleep at the bottom of a garbage incinerator [you know, the shutes you throw the garbage down if you live in a high rise]
56) cement yourself into the middle of a highway
57) volunteer to be a subway brake
58) light a smoke bomb and swallow.!$%&*!^%*#&$*?%!@.?
59) drag yourself along the road, hanging on the back of a Mack truck
60) wait at the bottom of the Empire State Building while your friend drops a spear off the top, straight through the center of your head (and the rest of you) 61) glue yourself to the way bottom of an ocean liner [while it's going]...
62) lounge in a pool obNasoline and light that big fat cigar in your mouth
63) climb up the telefone pole and lick the electric wires
64) look in the mirror [ha ha! just kiddin'!]
65) go to Russia
66) slingshot yourself into the Sun [not quite..]
67) put some iodine crystals in a whoopy cushion - sit on it!
68) volunteer to be a nuclear warhead
69) <- eat your girlfriend out when she uses a sulfuric acid douche
70) eat a piece of Uranium
71) lick a scientist's chemical lab table before he cleans up!
72) get your nose caught in an exhaust pipe while the car is running
73) go swimming while wearing Mr.T's heavy jewelery around thy neck
74) run a razor blade down the middle of your face!
75) take a chainsaw, cut your head into thirds
76) get caught on the nose of the Concorde 77) in your science class, turn on all the gas outlets, light a match
78) get drunk and be processed through a doughnut molding factory
79) volunteer to rent out your head as a soccer ball
80) eat your school cafeteria's poison of the day
81) slurp nuclear waste
82) stab yourself in 100 (and 1) places
83) try to swallow a (King) Cobra
84) get your arm caught in the wheel of a train
85) your running 40 m.p.h. - your foot katches onto a bloody sewage grating - you trip and fall - 40 m.p.h. - on your face!
86) bend both your knees and elbows - backwards! [snap!]
87) ski off a cliff
88) shuv a pipebomb up your ass
89) fart and smell up a crowded elevator [watch the reaction!] - announce that you let it go - kiss your ass goodbye!
90) cut your circulation off with a giant Band-Aid (tm)
91) mail yourself to the smallest P.O. box in the country
92) pick a fight with Sylvester Stallone
93) try to catch a Roadrunner
94) beat the shit out of yourself [take a spaz!]
95) you take a final relaxing dip in a pool of gasoline - you hang yourself from a branch of a tree - light the bonfire under you!
96) tie each of your ankles to the bumper of 2 cars and let them back out in different directions - Slowly!
97) go to your local deli and by mistake put your best hand on the meat slicer, and of course turn it on - press down firmly as the slices of your hand fall neatly into the palm of the other hand

2006-07-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

i used to love her
la la la la
but i had to kill her
la la la la

2006-07-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

2006-07-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

I don't like it when you talk about yourself ... u have a very different notion..much different than the one i have about you.. that doesn't mean that one of us should be wrong... not at all... i guess we are both right.
you've known yourself for long and i needn't dive deep inside to find a muffin (i ought to say a jewel but let's not exaggerate).
what do i think? u deserve better than what u r getting and i dunno what'll really help u to see the bright specks of ur character... & it kinda seems that u've had more than ur fair share with assholes but hey! what's life without some tragic spicy additions?
despite ur hectic schedule i still think that u do have the power to help me with that issue of mine and that u'd find time to do that..even if it was just through some words in an email...
i had a thought last night that i might have be pressuring u with this lately but u know that i have no1 to turn to coz i'm not planning to tell any1 abt it.
and as i always say: i'm not ashamed of what i've had and i'm not sad i have it no longer...God! i wish i had amnesia.

2006-07-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

I can not always prevent that glass from breaking or hold the (STOP!) sign for the heavy, thick and succeeding sighs lest they should suck all air of common breathing....can u??

2006-07-17T02:14:00.000-07:00

just when everything else fails, adopt that pose and feel free to cry

2006-07-16T02:13:00.000-07:00

i'm sick and tired of yearning for a dead person's presence and that of another living person who just chose not to be available....i know people are not products and that i can't get what i want whenever i want it in relationships but again i'm tired of having to compromise my happiness by letting people have things go their way.
i'm fed up with double standards and unvoiced feelings.
i'm over and done with pretending that nothing needs to change.

2006-07-15T04:30:00.000-07:00

*The thing I hate most is when I try to make a point and the listener either starts making wise cracks or just closes the subject...

*Stab my back ...it's always good when i bleed...

*In a secret garden where you grew your eyelashes to become so wide and beautiful, that's where I'd like to lay my head and get some pure rest, or simply pretend that I'm dead...

*It's okay.... I had Subway for lunch.

*A wise man said, better to burn out than to fade away. What about those who burn away? They never mention that part.

*The little choice that you think you have is nothing but an empty promise.

*When u died i should've cried and spared myself some pain .. You left me incomplete ...

*All the worst case scenarios always turn to be stupid and unneeded.

*Quick as a flash, smile because the camera is on you, it shines you on, like a liquid metaphor, perhaps we should get some booze, ease a pain that's distant like an echo but sharp as a knife. I need a vacation my friend, from you, from everything and from myself.

*I'm thirsty.. thirsty enough to drink fire..tricking myself to satisfaction.

2006-07-14T04:53:00.000-07:00

You Are Most Like John F. Kennedy

You live a fairy tale life that most people envy.And while you may have a few dark secrets, few people know them.

What Modern US President Are You Most Like?

2006-07-14T04:15:00.002-07:00

5 things i don't expect to happen anytime soon:

1-to go skydiving.
2-to travel to Mexico.
3-to run a marathon.
4-to kiss a guy.
5-to stop waking up in the middle of the night breathing heavily,drenched all in sweat.

2006-07-06T04:24:00.000-07:00

I too want to kick babies in the face, burn down buildings and push old people down stairs. I want to come to your house steal everything you own and make your life a living hell. I want to scream until the heavens turn blood red and the earth split open before me and swallow this piece of ***** world we live in.

miss u ebony.

2006-07-04T04:19:00.000-07:00

I used to only wear men’s shirts ..and i secretly still love them.
I am not patient but I can be.
I like order but watching chaos from the OUTSIDE is fun.
I usually limit myself to 1 meal a day.
I like to be on time or a bit before.
I'm mentally doing good and physically. (happy thoughts).
I've walked barefoot, in the middle of summer, on boiling asphalt. (PAIN)
I joined the school's choir in 1st secondry to skip classes.
I have 15 syringe marks on my left arm.
I used to squeeze a lil dab of mustard in the palm of my hand a lick it ..like it was candy or something.
I can't watch a movie more than once ..even if I totally forget what it was about.
I want to take a ride in a hot air balloon.
I feel nauseous in airplanes.
I hate accessories, jewelleries and make up.
I love sour jellybeans.

2006-07-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

*write down ur worries in a list and read them before going to bed. written stuff have an incredible power of convincing u that they actually worth some thinking.

*everything is nothing till its gone...then suddenly it becomes something...probably change succeeds merely in making things worse...resist it.

*u know the saying "it may never happen"? well its a lie, it'll happen and knowing ur luck it'll happen more than once..and when it does, u'll lose the innocence which says "it happens to other people"

*You know, when you come to think about it, Life is just a series of moving from day to day, from rush to rush, from disappointment to disappointment, knowing that all you know and hold dear will one day be taken from you, and dogs will pee on you and mimes will kick you in the ribs and steal all your stuff, and you'll be forced to become a human lab rat to survive, and they'll probably do something gross to you like remove your head and make you look at your own headless body, and then they'll reattach it just to freak you even more...

*I removed the duct tape from my severed limbs and thought it might just work out if i pretended to be lying down and dying.

*i'm vomiting candy.

2006-07-02T02:40:00.000-07:00

*don't u sometimes get too tired of thinking that u wish ur brain wouldn't function anymore?
i yearn for a dramatic change coz this phase has expanded more than it should.

*would u rather be happy or be right?
if u chose to be happy, an annoying, party pooper whisper would every so often suck the fun out of the air & if u chose to be right u'd be too wretched to be convinced u did the right thing after all.

*why are intentions always questioned and doubted? why do gestures have to be hinting at something? why do words have to have another hidden meaning?

* why is the truth always not good enough?

2006-07-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

my skin feels too tight that i'm willing to peel it off so that my ribs would have enough space to protrude as much as they want...

even though i'm hell tired i can't sleep... the bed feels like a thorny rock...and nightmares just won't gimme a break...

i'm trembling, stumbling into things when i walk, stuttering when i talk....

i have to prove i'm okay every single day....i have to show mama that i don't need to take her offer and go see a shrink... i've been always known to be strong...it kinda means i have to be a perptual tower of strength..

i'm human and yet no1 has to know it...

i'd rather u tell me u wanna fix my make-up rather than fix what's going on..

2006-06-30T03:38:00.000-07:00

my mama has recently told me that i should see a shrink and she wasn't kidding...i think that she's the one who should be seeing him..not me...e7m..this test was just fir fun..i answered honestly & they here's the results

You Are 0% Normal

Are you from outer space? Because you're hardly human.

Where people go right, you go left.

And you have little in common with anyone...

Except other freaks of natures :-)

How Normal Are You?

define normal el awel... no1 is normal according to my standards.

2006-06-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

when u watch someone die a massive wave of emotions is sure to hit u right in ur weakest points and make u question nearly everything about ur life... u kinda become a mini philosopher.. u speak little and wonder more...
u get out of the world experiences more than one at a time all in ur brain that feels like exploding... u lose sense of normal things like time or hunger and ur focus can sometimes make u actually understand the kind of anguish others are going through....

and when u remember that afterwards u can never have a clue of how u survived that or how so much time has passed with u having just one thing in ur head or how such a thing made u re-unite with people u don't get along with in regular circumstances.

At the peak of my true first personal tragedy, i took a pen and wanted to pour my heart on paper but i succeeded in only scribbling few words..they were " my father died today"

There's more than meets the eye..

2006-06-29T04:47:00.000-07:00

Even though it proved to be the worst thing applied ever, people still stick to judging others according to their looks..it can be forgiveable if its a first impression...

Some people believe in their intuitions and instincts...i dunno how they act upon them...i just can't understand it...if there's no materialistic proof then its all rubbish to me..

the thing is, why do we tend to judge others in the 1st place?

new skin...new start!

2006-06-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

not that much changes have taken place but i felt that i need to be back on the blogging track... i missed it awy.